Reasons to Leave Planet Earth??

With the world’s ultra-rich indulging in the flimsy frippery of taking short flights into space seemingly for no other reason than egomania, narcissism, or simply trying to impress the hoi polloi, I was thinking of reasons why I might want to leave the planet come the New Year.  In my weird and eccentric way I came to the conclusion that a reason not to leave the planet was the pandemic! That may seem strange to you, Dear Friends, because that and climate change may seem like good reasons to call it a day on Mother Earth. But then suddenly, out of the blue, arrived a reason to get out of here. Yep, I came across the front cover of the American version of the British  periodical ‘The Spectator”.

In coloured glossiness there was a caricature of a woman in royal robes with, in the background, a diminutive court jester with red hair and redder beard. Behind them both stood The White House. The headline blazed:

                                                       “PRESIDENT MARKLE”

                                                   “How Meghan wins the White House”

                                                            By Alexander Larman

The tic in my left eye went from a slow, constant wink to a rapid stroke- inducing, gold medal winning pace.  The Davidson blood pressure became a gasket blower of volcanic proportions. The magazine itself nearly ended up on a makeshift funeral pyre in the back garden. But, of course, I had to read the supporting article. I shouldn’t have done that, Dear Friends. It produced ample examples of previous presidents who did not come up to snuff in the intelligence, moral, gravitas and classiness stakes. (It seems President Obama may have been the end of an aura.) So I was tempted to reach for the phone and give Jeff  Bezos and Richard Branson a buzz to see if I could reserve a place  on their next  jolly jape. Then I hesitated because it dawned on me that if they were heading into orbit then it was only for a few minutes and sadly, Dear Reader, they were coming back!

But it set me thinking that there are other reasons for Davidson to leave the planet even for just a temporary respite. Presumably there is not a spelling issue on the signage in outer space although I don’t know what official graffiti may be spray- painted across space junk. Way up there, there is definitely not the curse of lycra-clad cyclists terrorising pedestrian walkways. Leaf blowers ? I think not. There are, I think, no telephone helplines, which   will indeed be a relief because there is nothing more likely to reduce Davidson to a state of helplessness than a telephone helpline.  There are no fiction based ‘facts’ permeating the air waves. On a more positive note, I would have an outside chance of running into Chris Hadfield the astronaut whom I have seen twice on stage and twice is not enough. There is no grass to cut.  So I jest, of course, because I really do think there are many very good reasons to hang around on this particular planet.

Dear Friends, up there orbiting the Earth, being around the world so to speak, there is no “Bean around the World” coffee shop, no crossword friends, no merry banter of an early morning. I would miss  breakfast with David; coffee with Mandy; picking up my friend’s children after school; Friday afternoons in the neighbours’ driveways; walks with Roger on the North Shore; Frankie the dog with the sad eyes at supper time; glasses of red wine  with the Turners in the back garden; friendly dog walkers on the trail; the occasional ski day (knees permitting); watching rugby with Rob and Nigel and, occasionally, Dave; struggling to keep cool in the heat dome; luxuriating in my walks in the environmental rivers with Dermot and Nigel; seeking out George’s latest book recommendation; chatting on the phone with my mother and sister; understanding every day why I married Irene, trying to understand every day why she married me;  the wonderful brunch made by Curtis in the company of Justine and Daphne; the 70^th birthday Speirsee hosted (Glorious food, great company, just wish he had kept his whisky to himself); the occasional bit of teaching thanks to Leigh; my ex-colleagues who kindly keep in touch; Walentyna Karcz’s very kindly book club; reconnecting with Parkee; being here for our daughter’s surprise Christmas visit; listening to our son’s construction site stories; completely mastering the use of the semi-colon (Maybe I would do a better job of that in orbit than I do here). Finally, surprising though it may seem, enjoying watching and learning how the twin crises of the pandemic and the climate are unfolding.

So, Mr. Bezos and Mr. Branson, by all means head off to space on a whim and a prayer. But do us a favour, just remember where you came from. Be mindful of how you were allowed to attain your ridiculous wealth. Show some loyalty to the atmosphere, the population and land that spawned you. Think of your planet in her time of need and offer her some practical TLC. Spend some of your money on humble pie and eat a large portion yourselves. If you must head into space, then look down on Earth and understand that you have the resources to make a difference.

As for the future President Markle , at least when Air Force One comes in to land we shall all hear the whine. OK, Megs, that was uncalled for. You have a few years yet  to master the mysterious, sometimes nefarious,  art of politics. Time is on your side. Just promise us you won’t indulge in the sexual mores of a Kennedy or a Clinton; that you will not send young people to die in a war that you know to be lost nor bomb a poor country upon which you have not declared war as Trickie Dickie, he of Watergate fame, so blatantly did. Stand before us and swear that  you will not indulge in a myth to justify an invasion as did Dubya Bush; give your word that you will not  create a wider divide amongst the American people than he whom I am determined not to name.  Actually, Megs, surprising though it seems to me, having gone through this list, the BP and tic of Davidson have resumed a more reasonable pace!

Of course, another reason to hang around down here is to be in touch with all of you. You, the people, give me, the man, the greatest pleasure whether that be face to face or through your writings from afar.

I wish you all a very happy and prosperous 2022.