Euphemisms

There has been great consternation here in Norgate Park over the building of a new Sewage Plant between us and the waterfront. OK, I know that I am not supposed to call it a ‘Sewage Plant’. I have frankly forgotten what its official name is. ‘The Rose Garden’ is a euphemism too far because it won’t be growing any roses although its produce may be good for them.  ‘The Railway Station’ after the now defunct North Vancouver passenger railway hub would be a touching tribute to a time when one could catch the train to Whistler and  back for $99.This included your ski pass for the day as well as breakfast and dinner on the train. Those were the days, eh? ‘Air Care’ in memory of the vehicle testing centre may be more appropriate because that’s what we shall all need when the new plant is up and running. One would hope that it is not up and running too fast! Moving away from sewage disposal for a minute ‘cos I know you want to, Dear Reader, there is much else out there which expresses a triumph of hope over reality.( Oh I’ve just looked it up.  The ‘North Vancouver Waste Water Treatment Plant’ is what they want us to call it but that’s just a bit too effluent for me.)

As a retired teacher I have a problem with Daycare titles. I ask you this, Dear Friends, does the ‘Clever Cubs’ Daycare require the child to be clever before he or she enters through their hallowed portals or do they guarantee cleverness when they leave. Either way the emphasis is on ‘clever’ with the suggestion that they don’t want you if you are not. ‘Cos as sure as eggs is eggs it will be heads down and quadratic equations in between diaper change and nap. ‘Smiling Stars’  is marginally better because it does at least suggest happiness and fun but, Friends, it also suggests that every child will leave as a star. And as somebody who sits across from “Smiling Stars” at ‘Bean Around the World’ coffee shop I can attest that not every child who enters is smiling of a morning.  I do, however, love the name ‘Willow Brae’. Trees and hillsides, what could be more appropriate for children than climbing trees and running up hill and down dale, even though that may be difficult to do, given that this Daycare is on the second floor above our local  White Spot restaurant.  Och well,  better than nothing eh?

“Thank you for driving slowly through our village” but I didn’t!  Better to write at the entrance to the village “Slow down or else” with a picture of an angry traffic cop with teeth bared and notebook open. I have seen this rather creepy sign many times in the UK. I find it smarmy and unctuous and a sort of cowardly way of getting one’s message across. There are others in similar vein. “Thank you for picking up after your dog”  and “Thank you for not littering”. All are ‘fingers-down-the-throat-and- a- handy -bucket  phrases for me.

There are several cringe-worthy and horrific terms which should never see the light of day, particularly by people who should know better. General Schwarzkopf describing the death of innocents in the Gulf War as being ‘collateral damage’ is shameful. The ‘relocation’ of the Jewish people and others which meant Auschwitz and death is another. “Relocation” = ‘Genocide” = appalling.

But, on a lighter note, what on earth is ‘gently used’?  I have seen these two words advertised at Garage sales, Spring Fairs and other such local fund raisers. Let’s get this out of the way right now. All Davidson submissions to such worthy causes have never been ‘gently used’.  The vehicle we gave to the Kidney Foundation was battered and bruised, destined for palliative care. The clothing we sent up to the Collingwood Fair was patched and plastered, having been soaked and muddied, laundered into embattled frailty, hanging on by a thread.  All of these things were ‘Second Hand’ which in itself is a euphemism for third and fourth hand and worse.  “Second Hand” which means the original owner had his grubby mitts all over it for years. She took care of it when it was new but when it wasn’t she flung it about a bit; that which was lovingly hand washed in the day, now found itself tawdry at the bottom of the laundry pile. No, Dear Reader, ‘Second Hand’ is honest, ‘gently used ‘ is a falsehood. It is somebody who is being economical with the truth or do I mean lying? And, Dear Reader, as an aside, I shall never forget the kindly mother of one of my students who went to the Collingwood Spring Fair and bought all my donated rugby jerseys and gave them to me proudly the Monday after. Well, she thought they would suit me and was sure they would fit. Believe me, friends, I laid on the euphemisms thick and fast that day. “Look, Mr. Davidson, isn’t that amazing they’re all a perfect fit”. Indeed, Mrs. I.M. Wellmeaning, indeed they  were!

    The City of Rotherham in Yorkshire is not an attractive place to visit. Apologies, oh worthy citizens of Rotherham but it simply isn’t. (I have played rugby there on several occasions).  It is rightly somewhat removed from the British tourist trail. No glorious 800 year old cathedral; no tudor half-timbered houses; not a traditional English pub; no gently flowing willow clad river; no idyllic village green with requisite duck pond. It is all a purpose built morass of industrial wasteland; any vibrating vitality disappeared years ago. But, Dear Friends, there is a patch of grass at the entry to the town. And on this verdant green roundabout, the elected worthies of the council  decided to build an angled garden bed, on which, when the tulips began to grow in the Spring,  would read:-

“Welcome to Rotherham”.

Those petty criminals who had been caught stealing sugar from a bowl in a café and were doing community service , were commandeered to plant the bulbs. Surprisingly they seemed to enjoy the task, there was an air of quiet satisfaction when it was completed. The person in charge of the job was very satisfied.

An innocent abroad entered Rotherham on the day after the tulips had started to show. He was a stranger to the town and was bemused as he approached the roundabout. When he was confronted with the tulipian message about to display its full glory, he could have been forgiven if he circumnavigated it and headed straight back the way he had come. For the sign read and, despite the current frequency of the use of the word, I cannot bring myself to write it in a blog:-

“F _ _ _   OFF”

Now then, Dear Friends, when and where I grew up this was not an expression that bespoke greeting smiles and “Take me to your Tourist Information Centre”.  No, this was the truth, this was ‘nothing to see here’, this was ‘we have nothing of interest that can possibly attract you to our town’ so ‘Get lost’. I love such honesty.

I am all for a bit of hyperbole, a substantial piece of exaggeration to make a point but snake oiling one’s way into people’s lives with flattering views of who we are and what we do is, I think, a bit smarmy verging on cowardly.  As a student, both at school and college, I also came to terms with things quickly when somebody told me that what I had done was utter rubbish.  And there were many such occasions because I am not by any stretch a perfectionist. So, if I respected the person who was telling me off, then inevitably when he or she praised subsequent efforts of mine, then I would beam from ear to ear. I don’t love failure but I think I like perfection even less. So if this story about Rotherham is an urban legend, based on exaggerated untruths, then that’s a shame for Rotherham and the rest of us.

No waiter at a restaurant or café should ever tell me that what I have just ordered is ‘perfect’ because it won’t be.  It might be ‘good’ or ‘excellent’ but……..

 Nor should Elon Musk tell us that the massive explosion of his latest rocket launch effort was a ‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly”!!  Ridiculously rich men sort of forfeit their right to humorous comments about expensive waste in my book.Methinks Mr. Musk needs a quick trip to Rotherham.  Elon old son, when your billions could have helped so many on the earth’s surface, as far as I am concerned, your sense of humour is completely rotherhamed. You should ‘Welcome to Rotherham’ and orbit the Earth, realise what we have down here, come back and spend some of your time and money making it a better place, then  maybe Pete Davidson will chuckle at your wee joke.

 OK, last bit of twaddle from Davidson for this year. Thanks for taking the time.

Let me wish all of you who have kindly taken time to read my blogs a Merry Christmas and health and prosperity in 2024.